I have a mother.

She means well, but her understanding of technology stopped somewhere between the VCR to the DVD. Given I work in tech, when she tries to ask me about my day at work, we usually end up discussing what I had for lunch. It’s usually a salad.

Now don’t get me wrong, I genuinely like her, and I think she’s a pretty smart person (the apple, tree and all). It’s just not her world.

So, after understanding this mutual pain of ours, I turned to find a solution.

I decided to empower mothers around the world by giving them the tools to act as if they get what their kids do for a living. I present to you a one of a kind translation, throwing the online business world all the way back to the 80’s.

Job descriptions translated below:
1. Growth Marketer
2. SEO Manager
3. Paid Campaigns Manager
4. Social Media Manager
5. Content Manager
6. Affiliate manager
7. Product Manager
8. BI Analyst

 

Good luck to us all.

Growth marketer

What I do (in under 100 characters)

I test new ways to improve how much money my website makes.

Simple comparison for old people

Think of my website as a neighborhood clothing store.
I test things like what to show in the front window, what should the sign say and what items we should keep next to the cash register.

I try to get as many people to walk through the door AND actually buy something, so things like “Everything up to 90% off!” might get people in, but might not be the best business model.

Expert tip

When someone at work suggests I test an idea I don’t like, I can say “Interesting, we’ll have to test that” and do nothing about it.

Tweet this job translation. Help a mother out!

 

SEO Manager

What I do (in under 100 characters)

I make sure that when people search Google for something related to my website, it’s me they find.

Simple comparison for old people

Think of my website as a neighborhood clothing store.
I’m the one making sure that when people open the Yellow Pages book to look for a nearby store, I’m the first one they see listed.

Expert tip

Most people don’t really know how I do what I do. I work hard to keep it that way, so they will always need me.

Tweet this job translation. Help a mother out!

 

What I do (in under 100 characters)

I promote my website by putting ads that lead to it on other websites.

Simple comparison for old people

Think of my website as a neighborhood clothing store.
I make posters to advertise the store I work for, and I hire kids who run around town and hang them everywhere.

Since no one cares about my posters, I found a new technique – when someone visits my store and doesn’t buy, I follow them home and hang a poster right on their front door. Sometimes it works.

Expert tip

Many times, printing and hanging posters costs more than the money that’s made from selling the clothes. When that happens, I just try to convince the store’s owner to raise the prices of clothes.

Tweet this job translation. Help a mother out!

 

Social Media Manager

What I do (in under 100 characters)

I promote my website/product across social networks (Facebook, Twitter etc.).

Simple comparison for old people

This one is easy. Old people have Facebook.

Expert tip

To get where I am in my career, I needed to sacrifice quite a few real friendships with people who were sick and tired of how often I post things on Facebook. I replaced them with virtual friendships with people I don’t know, but behave in a similar way.

Tweet this job translation. Help a mother out!

 

Content Manager

What I do (in under 100 characters)

I write articles that discuss the product I’m promoting, or the industry it’s in.

Simple comparison for old people

Remember how years ago ads in the paper used to be super long and looked like regular articles? So that’s pretty much what I do. The difference is that today, you need to try and be a bit more subtle, so people won’t notice that the last time I wrote something objective was in college.

Expert tip

I dream of the day I’ll have enough time to write as a way of expressing my inner artist. That day will never come. Ultimately, that’s a good thing for me.

Tweet this job translation. Help a mother out!

 

Affiliate Manager

What I do (in under 100 characters)

I promote other people’s products, for a cut of the sale.

Simple comparison for old people

Think of the month before elections in a nice suburban neighborhood. I go from door to door, offering people money in exchange for them letting me put some campaign sign on their front lawn.

The signs I put are pretty magical, because I can later know how many people who saw them bothered voting for my candidate. I get paid for every vote I bring in, so even if the candidate loses, I win.

Expert tip

I live in complete denial to the fact that in a few years, if all goes according to plan, my work could be fully automated and then I’ll be sleeping on someone’s front lawn.

Tweet this job translation. Help a mother out!

 

Product Manager

What I do (in under 100 characters)

I define and manage the development of what my website will offer people.

Simple comparison for old people

Think of the product as a building.
I’m the architect making the blueprints and sitting with the construction engineers to see it through. Also, luckily for my career path, my building is never “ready”. There’s always something to do- I’m constantly improving the first floors and adding new ones.

Expert tip

If the construction engineers had better communication skills, they could talk directly with the people who want apartments and might not need me. That never happens.

Tweet this job translation. Help a mother out!

 

BI Analyst

What I do (in under 100 characters)

I monitor and analyze the numbers behind the business, to help figure out how to improve.

Simple comparison for old people

Think of my business (or website) as a neighborhood clothing store.
I sit around there and count EVERYTHING – how many people walk in, how many look at each item, how many end up buying and if they ever come back.

With all those numbers, I look for insights that would help us improve. For example, I could find things like “If a man asks for a salesperson’s help in the bra section, the chances of a sale are high. If he’s there for over 5 minutes without asking for help, call the cops”.

Expert tip

To be on the safe side, when I find an insight, I can always say my numbers aren’t “statistically significant” yet, so if it won’t work no one could point fingers at me.

Tweet this job translation. Help a mother out!

 

 

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